Don't say "you" when you mean "I"

In this interview with Ellen Degeneres, Seal talks about his separation from his wife, Heidi Klum. Notice his use of second person ("you") narrative in telling his story in this clip, rather than the more appropriate first person ("I").



Here are a couple of quotes:

"You go into these things with the greatest intentions."

"When you say 'I do,' when you say, 'Till death do us part,' those vows hold value, they're not just words."

"You just grow apart after awhile. I mean, you try and you work through it, and the thing that you quickly realize when you're married and you become a parent, is that you do the best that you can. And it makes you actually appreciate your parents a lot more."

Seal is telling his own story, yet is de-personalizing it by using the second person. Have you ever noticed yourself doing this?

First person is typically the method we use when telling a story about ourselves ("I"). If we're telling a story about someone else, we use third person ("he" or "she" or "they.") Second person is less common when telling a story, but is used more when addressing the reader "... a very common technique of several popular and non- or quasi-fictional written genres such as guide books, self-help books, do-it-yourself manuals, interactive fiction, role-playing games, gamebooks ... musical lyrics, advertisements and also blogs." (From Wikipedia)

Perhaps Seal is uncomfortable talking about his situation and therefore finds it easier to distance himself from the pain by saying, "you." Perhaps he's trying to maintain a professional demeanor and uses "you" to keep the conversation more formal and general (another way of doing this would be to use "one," as in "One goes into these things with the greatest intentions." Even more de-personalizing!). Whatever the reason, it doesn't work here, and it doesn't work in a presentation.

Why not?

1. Audiences relate to you as a person when you talk about your own experiences in the first person. You are speaking from your heart and the audience can connect to that. "I" clearly defines the subject of the story.

2. However, when a speaker tells a story using the second person "you," it sounds like he's making an assumption that the audience has had the same experience, that this is everyone's story. This isn't the same as relating to or connecting to a person. I find myself thinking, "No, I've been married for 22 years and we haven't grown apart. That's you, not me."

Is there a time when "you" is appropriate? Yes, but not in the context above.

1. Use "you" when asking questions of the audience or giving instructions to the audience. "Have you experienced this?" "What happened when you tried this?" "How many of you feel this way?" This is an effective way of using "you" to find out how the audience is relating to your topic and to let them talk about themselves without misplaced assumptions getting in the way.

2. Use "you" when giving instructions or talking directly to or about your audience or reader (as I'm doing in this blog post). "Before you start writing your presentation, find out what the audience needs, wants and cares about." "When you design your slides, make sure the font is big enough for people in the back row to read." In this case, you are offering the audience solutions and speaking directly to them, and you want to make it all about them and what's important to them.

When you're talking about yourself, use "I."

When you're talking about your audience, use "you."

Don't use "you" to talk about yourself; it just creates distance and a lack of connection.

12for12 February Challenge: Be present

Have you joined my 12 Speaking Challenges for 2012 program yet? Build your "confidence muscles" with monthly challenges designed to help you get out of your comfort zone and build confidence in a variety of settings that will prepare you for your upcoming speaking engagements!


Each month, there will be several levels to the challenge, so you can tailor the challenge to your own level of comfort. But remember, this is all about getting out of your comfort zone. So if the Level 1 challenge seems difficult, but you accomplish it, then move onto the next level. You have a whole month to practice! More info on how to join is at the bottom of the post.

Now, for our second challenge: Be Present.

We live in a world of constant distraction. There used to be a time when we didn't have our phones in our pockets, taunting us with Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, games, blogs and e-mail. There used to be a time when, after a long, hard day at work, we didn't come home and immediately get back on the computer. There used to be a time when kids didn't have several after-school activities every single day and into the evening, requiring scheduling wizardry and a gas tank the size of a refrigerator.

Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit here, but not much. Our lives have gotten busier and busier and our minds seldom rest or focus on one thing for long. This challenge is about focus. It's about giving the gift of attention to another person without the interruption of our own thoughts.

I chose this as our second challenge because, without the ability to focus and be present, you can never fully be with your audience. You can never fully understand them or read them, because your mind is too preoccupied. As presenters, our minds are certainly going a mile a minute. But we need to balance that with our ability to connect with the audience, in real time, as the presentation is happening.

When you can learn how to be in the moment and not distracted by external or internal disruptions, you will feel infinitely more at ease with your audience. This is how confidence muscles are built.

Be Present Challenge

Level 1: Next time you're in a meeting or watching a presentation, give each speaker your full attention.

Meetings, conferences, seminars, presentations... all very easy places to tune out and get into our own little worlds. Instead of making your shopping list or texting your spouse to tell them how bored you are, listen, and hear what speaker is saying.

Maybe your boss talks in an annoying monotone. Maybe your coworker is grammar-challenged. Maybe the workshop presenter has a terrible habit of flipping her hair back and forth. Still... listen. Do your best to pay attention to what he or she is saying. Really hear the message.

If you find yourself getting distracted, don't judge yourself or give up. Just bring your attention back to the speaker.

Think about how much you would enjoy this kind of attention from your audiences, and give this gift to the next speaker whose presentation you participate in.

Level 2: Next time you're in a conversation, listen and hear what the other person is saying

Maybe it's not hard for you to focus on a speaker, even if they're boring or grating. Level 2 is for you. Focus on a single person in conversation.

Don't start listening in on the conversation at the next table. Don't pick up your phone and start checking messages. Don't check out the hot chick that walks by, oh-so-close. Don't look around for someone better to talk to. Make the other person feel special, like they are the only one in the room.

Again, if you find yourself getting distracted, don't judge yourself or give up. Just bring your attention back to the person. Do you really hear what he is saying?

Remember this article on Bill Clinton's "reality distortion field?" If you haven't read it, read it now. Learn from it, and practice these principles when you want to increase the trust and intimacy between you and another person.

Level 3: Listen and hear what's coming out of your own mouth

Personal awareness and an accurate perception of how others see us is the most difficult aspect of being present. We go about our day spewing out our thoughts, using words we don't understand, saying things we don't really mean, and having no clue about how others are perceiving us. This challenge will help.

When you speak, listen to what you're saying and how you're saying it:

Are you articulating your thoughts clearly?
Are you giving appropriate emotional subtext (and congruent body language) to your words?
Are you saying what you really mean?
Do you understand the words you're using? (Seriously. I know several people who don't have a clue what the words mean that they're saying.)
Are you filling empty space with um, uh, like, y'know?
Are you enunciating and pronouncing words properly?
Are you fully expressing yourself?

When you become aware of what's coming out of your mouth, you have more control over it. You can ask for what you want, you can explain your ideas, you can convince and persuade people. You can make them laugh (not at you... with you).

Good communicators appear more confident, even if they don't feel particularly confident. A person who communicates well looks like they have it all together. And -- at least in terms of getting their message and ideas across -- they do!

Click here for the first challenge, Make Eye Contact, and then join the discussion on my Facebook group (you have make a request to join, but it's an open group and everyone is welcome).

If you want to participate in my monthly discussion calls and receive additional resources, handouts and support e-mails, consider joining the Full program.

Too hot, too cold, or just right?

I recently attended a conference with my husband, and in comparing notes afterward about the sessions we had attended, I realized we had a case of the Goldilocks. (If you don't know the story, here's a brief version similar to the one I grew up with.)

One session featured a speaker who was bold and colorful. She swore, she used provocative images, she told stories and she challenged us to think differently. I would have enjoyed this presentation had she not been trying SO hard to engage us emotionally. She was trying so hard to be a rebel, to be cool and hip and shocking, that it actually inhibited my ability to connect with her emotionally. It felt like a big manipulative show, a big, dramatic performance. Too hot.

Another session featured a speaker who covered all the bases, had lots of facts and information and charts and diagrams. He had so much information, in fact, that he forgot to bring his personality. Good content, but dull and dreary. Too cold.

Then there was the third session. This speaker had interesting content that challenged conventional thinking, good visuals, stories and audience engagement. He was energetic and enthusiastic, but authentically so. It was obvious that this speaker is emotionally invested and is a passionate advocate for his topic. The level of excitement was high, but real. The material was varied, so there was no time for boredom; he had the audience's complete attention. Just right.

The key element of all three presentations was emotional authenticity. Without it, a speaker runs the risk of looking like an actor rather than a presenter, or in the case of the "too cold" speaker, looking like a cipher, an invisible forgettable person.

Have you seen these presenters before? Which one are you?

How is a speaker like a cinnamon roll cake?

Kathy Shields' cinnamon roll cake at Savoy Cafe

Yesterday I met a friend for an afternoon treat at one of my favorite Santa Barbara eateries: Savoy Cafe and Deli. Hubby and I have known the owners, Paul and Kathy Shields, for many years, and we love to support our friends and local businesses. (Stay tuned, by the way, for an episode of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives, where you'll see me and my husband eating a meal at Savoy on camera!)

As I stepped up to the counter, Kathy saw me and invited me into the kitchen to show me her fresh-from-the-oven cinnamon roll cake. We chatted for a bit as she cut a slice and put it on a plate for Paul. She told me that she always cuts out a piece from a fresh cake before she puts it into the case, so the customers can see what's inside. It seems that customers are more likely to purchase a piece from an already-cut cake rather than a whole one. The interesting things one learns from trial and error in business!

It made me think (of course) of what we do as speakers. Audiences (our customers) also seem to prefer a speaker with a piece cut out in order to get a glimpse of our "insides."

When a speaker is too perfect, it's more difficult for the audience to relate to them and their message. But when a speaker shows some vulnerability, some imperfection, the audience realizes we're human, too. And if we can do it (whatever "it" may be), they can do it, too.

Are you a speaker who obsesses about being perfect, or are you a speaker who values connection over perfection?

And the cinnamon roll cake? It was as good as it looked!

Can the audience read your scribble?

Here's another topic speakers don't talk about enough: Your handwriting.

You may have great content, smooth delivery, great audience connection, a sharp outfit, well-groomed eyebrows and a well-rounded sense of humor, but if you're going to write on a flip chart, white board or overhead, your handwriting better damn well be legible.

I heard about a seminar recently where the speaker was all of the above. Then he started writing on a flip chart and his content went out the window. Interestingly, during that workshop, a video was shown of the speaker giving an earlier presentation, and his writing was equally illegible. So it wasn't just a one-time, guy-in-a-hurry type thing. His handwriting was always bad, and he just didn't care.

If you're going to use a flip chart (and flip charts are great for recording audience interaction and saving notes to refer back to during the presentation), then print large, clear letters, and write slowly. If you know you have sloppy handwriting, make a conscious effort to write more neatly. If you think your handwriting is neat and tidy, STILL make an effort to write more neatly.

If it's easier for you to write neatly when you write small, consider using overheads or a tool like Papershow, that allows you to write on paper but show it on the same screen where you're showing your PowerPoint.

It's a tiny detail, but it makes all the difference in whether the audience is able to follow your ideas.

Here's a nice short video with a great tip for making your writing more legible. And below, a video with additional flip chart tips. Enjoy!

It's the little (hairy) things....

On The Ellen Show last week, Kenneth Branagh was a guest, talking about his movie "My Week With Marilyn." Ellen asked him what he does to prepare for awards shows like The Golden Globes, which was forthcoming.

I've heard a lot of celebrities' and speakers' preparation routines and rituals, but this is one I've never heard mentioned on national television: trimming eyebrows and nose and ear hair.

Branagh commented that, as he's gotten older, he has developed more unruly hairs and he doesn't want that to be what people see when he's on the red carpet. It's a practical consideration as well for anyone who's going to be presenting or giving an acceptance speech onstage, with cameras enlarging your face on the TV screen for all to see.

Personal grooming habits are not often spoken about, so let's do it. Personally, I wish I took better care of my fingernails. I'm a nail biter, and while I've gone years at a time keeping them manicured and neat, I've also gone years with bitten uneven nail nubs. I'm also a big fan of eyebrow tweezing, as are a lot of women (and these days, men as well). Like Branagh, I've noticed the unruliness of eyebrows that comes with age, and I also like the way keeping my eyebrows clean opens up my face and eyes, making me look more alert and awake!

Question to my readers: In addition to those hairy body parts that Branagh mentions, what other aspects of personal grooming do you think are important for a speaker to look polished and professional?

Surviving the mini-presentation: Your self-introduction

Last night, hubby and I attended a dinner hosted by one of the distributors he works with in his job at a specialty foods store. We've been at a trade show for the past few days, and this is a typical evening: cocktail party hosted by one vendor, dinner hosted by another. It's always fun to meet new people and have time for relaxing and socializing, as walking the show (more standing than walking) for seven hours each day is a lot of work and pretty exhausting.

At dinner, one of our hosts stood up and suggested that we all go around and introduce ourselves, including sharing something that no one at the table would know about us. Of course, I was thrilled! I love this stuff, right? But I imagine that at least half the people at the table went into an instant panic. Including my husband. He later described his reaction to me.

First, his stomach did a flip-flop. Then he started thinking about what he wanted to say. While thinking about his own introduction, he was trying to hear what others in the room were saying, but was distracted by his own thoughts. He tried to plan his intro only during the applause breaks, but he still missed some of the others' introductions. As it got closer and closer to his turn, he got more and more anxious. When it was time for him to introduce himself, he stood up, spoke (and gave a very funny intro, I might add), and didn't hear a word that came out of his mouth. He didn't start to comprehend what he had said until I started speaking next.

Does this sound familiar to any of you?

The self-introduction is the mini version of any other presentation you might give. If you plan it well, it can have an opening, a closing and a body, just like any other speech. It can have humor, it can be memorable, and it can influence your audience. It can also be poorly prepared, uninteresting, and forgettable. And it can make you really nervous, distracting you from listening to the other people in the room, which is the purpose of the intros in the first place.

I suggest always being prepared to give a basic self-introduction. When the time comes, even if someone tacks on an extra activity like stating something no one knows about you, you'll already have the basics in place. There are different situations where you might give a self-intro, but let's just talk about our typical business meeting or event. You know you're going to share your name and your occupation, but what else might people want to know and how can you make it interesting and relevant for them?

Say you've been at your company for ten years and you want to share that. But instead of saying, "I've been with ACME Magnets for ten years," you could say "I've been with ACME Magnets since 2002, the first year the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl." If you're not a football fan, maybe you'll say, "I started at ACME Magnets in 2002, the year Shrek won the first Best Animated Feature Award at the Oscars." How can you say the same old thing in a new way? How can you always be prepared with a snappy introduction that shows your personality and helps people get to know you a bit?

In addition to having your self-introduction mostly prepared, try to give yourself a moment to gather your thoughts when it's finally your turn. Don't start speaking until you're fully standing. Take a moment to look around the room and smile. Breathe. Feel your feet on the floor. Make eye contact with one or two people. Then start speaking. (Read my post on grounding for more on this.) Project your voice so everyone can hear you. Take your time. Enjoy your moment in the spotlight. Finish speaking before you sit down.

I'm not suggesting that your self-intro has to be the most fascinating speech ever. For most of us, it will be under 30 seconds and does not have to be elaborate. But having some basic ideas in place about what you want to say will reduce your nervousness when the time comes, and will also allow you to listen to what your colleagues are saying so you can learn something about them, just as you hope they'll learn something about you.