Four lessons for speakers -- from Broadway

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I saw the musical Avenue Q last night, and while I found it entertaining, original and funny, I also found some lessons for speakers!

1. It's okay to have help

In Avenue Q, the puppets are handheld on stage by the actors who play them. The puppets, while technically the stars of the show, would be useless without the bodies and voices of the actors. It takes a few minutes to get the hang of mentally integrating both the puppet actions and the actors' facial expressions and movement, but then it works.

A lot of speakers have a fear of appearing fallible. They want to hide their notes or not use any. They fear making a mistake or having to deal with a technological problem, possibly revealing a flaw in the preparation of their presentation. If everything doesn't go exactly as planned, the presentation is a "failure" or "disaster."

Unless you're a magician, there's no need for elaborate illusions. Let go of your notions of perfection. So the audience sees that you have notes. As long as the notes aren't crippling the flow of your presentation or creating a distraction for you, who cares if they're sitting on the lectern off to the side? As long as you integrate your tools and don't blow your cool if something goes wrong, the audience will be fine with seeing the strings and gears of your presentation.

2. Visuals should be simple

Avenue Q uses video screens at strategic times during the show to illustrate scenes and songs, as an educational tool in the same way that Sesame Street taught us that "C" is for cookie. For example, there is a song about schadenfreude, which is helpfully broken down for pronunciation on the monitor. In another scene, we see five illustrated nightstands on the monitor, and count down to "one night stand." (Get it?) And when Princeton, the main character, forgets what he's looking for, the monitors drop down and remind us, with just the word "Purpose."

Never forget that you, the speaker, are the presentation. Your visuals enhance your presentation, but are NOT the presentation. If your PowerPoint was the presentation, you could e-mail hard copies to everyone and tell them to stay home. Visuals can be helpful in illustrating your points, adding humor, demonstrating data and more. But you are the focus and the center of attention. Don't let your visuals overwhelm you or the audience.

3. Use the element of surprise

One of the songs in Avenue Q is titled, "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist." Another song says, "The more you love someone, the more you want to kill him."

"The more you love someone,
The more you want to kill 'em.
The more you love someone,
The more he make you cry

Though you are try
For making peace
With them and loving,
That's why you love so strong
You like to make him die!

The more you love someone,
The more he make you crazy.
The more you love someone,
The more you wishing him dead!

Sometime you look at him
And only see fat and lazy,
And wanting baseball bat
For hitting him on his head!"

Both of these songs have elements that might surprise and even shock the audience, because they're saying things that people often think, but would never say out loud.

How can you wake up your audience with a story, statistic or activity that might use surprise or shock to help them learn something new or grasp a difficult concept? I wouldn't do this gratuitously; this is a tool that works best when there's a sincere and legitimate reason for it. Otherwise, your audience might end up feeling manipulated and confused or angry.

4. It's okay to be entertaining

Okay, Avenue Q is a Broadway musical. It's supposed to be entertaining. But if you notice, many of the movies, TV shows and plays we watch have a greater message, yet we are still entertained by them. In fact, it's the entertaining quality that allows us to more easily absorb the message. Avenue Q's main message is that, while life is hard and there are no easy answers, everything (good and bad) is "only for now."

"LUCY:
For now we're healthy.

BRIAN:
For now we're employed.

BAD IDEA BEARS:
For now we're happy...

KATE MONSTER:
If not overjoyed.

PRINCETON:
And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now..."

As a speaker, you can pound your audience over the head with facts, figures, numbers and charts. You can maintain a serious demeanor in the hopes of convincing the audience of the importance of your message. Or, you can find ways to have some fun and make your presentation actually enjoyable to your audience while still making your points.

What lessons have you learned in surprising places about speaking?

Top photo: Maggie Lakis, Nicky, Cullen R. Titmus. Photo by: Carol Rosegg

Presenting in the dark. Literally.

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Every time I give a presentation or attend one, I secretly hope there's some sort of incident or issue that arises for me to write about here on Speak Schmeak. Well, I certainly got my wish last night.

About 20 women from the networking group Santa Barbara Female Entrepreneurs met last night at an empty house in Montecito. Our group leader, a real estate agent, is selling the house, so there was a little furniture and some knickknacks, but no one is living there. It was a perfect spot for some wine, appetizers and mingling, and my PowerPoint "twittorial," an overview of how to use Twitter.

I had already started off with a glitch; my remote wouldn't move the slides, even though I had already tested it, put in fresh batteries and knew it was working. It took a few seconds to figure out the problem, but then I forged ahead, thinking that would be my only setback.

About halfway through the presentation, the lights flickered and went out. A windstorm had blown up and some people had seen a flash, like a transformer exploding. The lights came on again briefly, and then went dark for good. Immediately, cell phones lit up and by the electronic glow, we pondered what to do.

The data projector had shut down, but my computer was still on battery power, so people gamely suggested we gather around it and continue on. Jennifer Bragg, our fearless leader, went searching through the house and found a lantern. Her mom, who lives nearby, showed up with two more.

Meanwhile, I picked up where I left off and continued the presentation, with the whole group gathered in a semicircle around the computer screen. And what a great group! They were engaged, they asked questions, they contributed Twitter tips, and all the while sitting and standing in the dark. There was not a moment of panic or stress among the group. Can you imagine how these entrepreneurs run their businesses? Nerves of steel, I tell you. Getting things done no matter what.

It takes a lot to rattle me during a presentation, and this was merely a mild inconvenience. I find, in fact, that when something goes dramatically wrong in a presentation, it causes the audience to gather round and bond with each other and the speaker while everyone looks for solutions. Just like in the real world when there's a natural disaster or other major incident.

And my husband made a good point last night as we talked about it after the fact. Some situations are just out of your control. So why let it stress you out? Do the best you can with what you have and see where the situation takes you.

I found our lights-out adventure added some fun and spice to the presentation. And when the presentation was over, the lights came back on, so we were able to continue our networking and wine-drinking. All in all, a successful event! Thanks to the great women who didn't blink an eye.

That's the best presentation I've ever seen...

Unfortunately, this is too often the case in business presentations: Even if a presentation makes no sense, as long as it sounds serious and jargon-y, it's assumed you're saying something important.



Read these previous posts for some tips on giving clear, concise and jargon-free presentations:

The curse is back!

Are you speaking your audience's language?

Your #1 goal: Say what you mean

Do you know your audience?

Lose the jargon

A golden T-Bone

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One of the things I loved about Meryl Streep's Golden Globes speech for her Best Actress win was how real she was. She blurted out what seemed to be the first thing on her mind: "I want to change my name to T-Bone." Silly as it was, it worked for her, got a laugh, and kicked off her speech with a fun opening.

She then commented that she was going to forget what she wanted to say because she was "overwrought." So she asked out loud, "Darn, what was my first part?" And several people responded, "Nora!" Which got her back on track with her speech.

She felt comfortable enough in front of that audience that she was able to be herself. She didn't rush, she didn't panic, she spoke from the heart. Many actors are not particularly comfortable being themselves on stage, as I've noted here and here, but T-Bone Streep has managed to conquer this problem that faces so many actors.

Now, to one of my favorite parts of the show: Watching how actors respond when their names are called as nominees. For many people, this is as awkward a position to be in as public speaking. I've put them into categories this time.

Actors who nod graciously and smile

William Hurt
John Lithgow
Jeremy Piven
Michael C. Hall
Glenn Close
January Jones
Julianna Margulies

Actors who mug for the camera (fake surprise, fake smile, goofy face)

Neil Patrick Harris
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Sandra Bullock

Actors who look embarrassed (avoid the camera, talk to neighbors, shake head, look down)

Meryl Streep
Anna Paquin
Drew Barrymore
Michael Emerson
Jon Hamm

And a little side note about Mavis Spencer, Miss Golden Globe, who stood awkwardly as the camera lingered on her during her introduction. She barely cracked a smile, she didn't nod or acknowledge the audience applause, and didn't look particularly excited to be on stage. Perhaps she was paralyzed with fear.

This is one of those things that no one ever prepares for, yet if they were to take a few minutes to practice what to do with face and body during this part of the ceremony, they would be able to handle it so much better! This is where "fake it till you make it" can really come into play. Smile, nod, look happy, wave at the camera. Pretend you're having fun. You might feel like a complete dork inside, but you don't have to look like one on the outside. And believe me, I know what I'm talking about, because I would fall into the category of "mug for the camera." I'm working on it.

There's another speech that I would like to talk about if I could find the video or transcript, so if anyone can find Christoph Waltz' speech online, please let me know! I've been searching and searching.

Lessons from a trade show

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I just spent the past three days at a specialty foods trade show. My favorite exhibitors by far (even if I didn't love the product), were the ones who had stories to tell and engaged with the attendees. Here are some that I did love.

I chatted with the young couple with a baby who make Le Caramel products from a traditional French recipe in California. They were passionate about their sauces and candies and it showed in their conversation.

Sukhi's, a company that makes great Indian food, started out serving their dishes to Indian workers in Silicon Valley and in a booth at the Ferry Plaza farmers market in San Francisco. There were several family members working the booth, and everyone was excited to talk about the product.

Kari's Malva Pudding is a traditional cake-like dessert from South Africa with a picture of the owner's daughter on the package. Another passionate entrepreneur with a story to tell.

There was the "guy in overalls" sitting at the PawPaw Tom's booth, telling the story of how he promised his friend Tom on a 1992 camping trip that, if he ever started a food business, he would name it after him.

In addition, booths with samples allowed exhibitors to share ideas for preparing the products and pairing them with other foods, and to offer recipes and menu suggestions. I walked away with ideas for using sauces, cheeses and beverages that had never occurred to me. For example, the people at the Sence rose nectar booth were not only offering tastes of the drink, but were making cocktails out of it as well! (I believe we were drinking the By Any Other Name cocktail on this page.)

Of course, there were also guys in suits representing Jelly Belly and many large corporate entities where personal stories are hard to find. Those companies, however, are already established and don't have to do much to attract new customers.

The newbies to the industry, the companies who are still small and still trying to get a foothold in the world of specialty foods, can't play the same game as the big guys, who often approach attendees with a hard sell.

A note: At these trade shows, I attend as a representative of the company my husband works for and walk the floor like any other buyer, bringing back materials and suggestions to him about which booths he should visit. I've been attending this show for probably 13 years now, and I know the products and his store almost as well as he does. It's a fun hobby for me, and unpaid, but I work it like the rest of them!

I stopped at one booth, a favorite small chocolate brand but one not yet carried by his store, and all the woman wanted to do was scan my badge into the computer. I asked her what was new, and she pointed to the two products, but wasn't particularly interested in engaging.

I tasted the chocolates and they were good, but without any engagement from the vendor, I wasn't interested in asking any questions and I moved on. It's a long three days of standing on barely-cushioned hard concrete, shmoozing and (for the real buyers) negotiating. If someone doesn't want to give a buyer any time, there are hundreds more booths to visit.

To make a long story short (too late?):  

1. Tell stories that engage your audience and make them want to stick around for more. 

2. You, the speaker, are your brand, and you are a human being. Make a connection like a human being, not like a salesperson.

3. When you're trying to get people to notice you and hire you, you have to notice them. If you're too important or too busy, they will move on to someone who pays attention.

In addition to the products mentioned above that I enjoyed at the Fancy Food Show, here are a few more recommendations for you!

Conte's gluten-free pizzas and pastas

Smoked olive oil from The Smoked Olive

Green onion and sweet potato latkes from Linda's Gourmet Latkes

Delicious sauces from San Angel Mole

Barely Buzzed cheese from Beehive Cheese Co. (rubbed with espresso and lavender)

Pastures and Green Fields cheeses from Saxon Creamery

21st Amendment Brewery's Hell or High Watermelon Wheat Beer

Golden Star's elegant White Jasmine Sparkling Tea

popchips! especially the new cheddar flavor

DariFree non-dairy milk alternative

Mexican Chipotle vegetarian sausages from Field Roast Grain Meat Co.

Spicy Ketchup from Maya Kaimal (I especially like to support Maya because we were college classmates)

Rogue Ales' Chocolate Stout

Okay... enough?

Back tomorrow!

Sorry for having been out of touch this week. I'm out of town at a specialty foods trade show with hubby and I'm eating my way around the Moscone Center in San Francisco. I'll be back at my desk tomorrow, happy to give my feet and stomach a rest!

Keep your focus

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I was speaking with a prospective client yesterday who mentioned his problems with focus when speaking. He talked about being easily distracted.

This is one of those critical aspects of speaking that we rarely talk about. Let's look at two kinds of focus problems.

"I'm distracted by what's going on 'out there.'"

There are so many external distractions during a presentation. Here are a few:

Restless, shifting or whispering audience members
Waiters serving food or removing dishes
The sound of another presentation in the next room
Traffic noise from outside
A window looking out on the street, at people walking by, or worse, the ocean!
A room that's too cold or too hot
Audience members who are texting or tweeting
Noisy air conditioning or other equipment
A door that closes loudly when people enter or exit
A ringing cell phone

These are just a few of the external distractions you might encounter; I've encountered all of them and more!

External distractions lead to internal discomfort. For example, when audience members seem distracted themselves by shifting or texting, you might begin to feel uncertain that you're keeping their attention and delivering a good presentation.

If there is a noise distraction, you might feel worried that the audience can't hear you.

If there is a comfort distraction, you might feel cold or hot yourself and be unable to concentrate.

Next, "I'm distracted by what's going on 'in here.'"

These are your own mental distractions. Here are a few you might experience (from this blog post):

What did I just say?
Am I pacing? Stop pacing.
Stop fiddling with the remote.
What comes next? What comes after that?
My stomach feels funny.
I'm running behind. Should my activity take five minutes or three?
That person's not paying attention. How do I get her attention?
Uh oh, crutch phrase.
I need a drink of water.
What was the name of the guy who asked that question before?
Why did I wear these shoes?
Was that clear? Maybe I should explain it again.

These are distractions that you create in your own mind, an inner monologue that starts to overpower your focus on your presentation and your audience.

Ultimately, external and internal distractions lead to the same result: they keep you from being fully present with your audience, from reading their cues, and from making a connection with them.

In meditation practice, we are told to let thoughts come and go, observe them, but to gently return focus back on the breathing, the spot, the flame, the phrase, the mantra or whatever else we are focusing on. This is also what I recommend when distracted during a presentation. It's fine to notice that your feet are sore, or you skipped a slide, but then return to the present moment with your audience.

The only times I suggest paying attention to the distraction are these:

1. The audience is uncomfortable. By all means see if you can get someone to fix the temperature, close the door, or have waiters stop walking through. The audience's comfort is important and key to their ability to pay attention to you.

2. A large number of audience members seem bored, sleepy or restless. You might want to take this opportunity to engage them and shift to a different activity or topic.

3. When your own discomfort or distracting behavior is interfering with your presentation. Have a drink of water if your throat is dry, or take off your jacket if you're hot. Awareness of movements like pacing or playing with your hair are worth noticing and addressing. If fixing the situation is quick, easy and not too distracting in itself, do it.

Distractions don't have to interfere with your presentation. Instead of perceiving them as problems, see them as part of the deal. Every presentation will have its distractions; they only become problems if you let them get to you.

It's not about luck

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As a companion piece to yesterday's post about excuses, I want to talk about luck.

When I say I'm going on vacation, or working out in the middle of the day at a beautiful stadium across the street from the beach, or that I enjoy public speaking, there's always someone who says, "You're so lucky."

Another variation:

"I wish I had the time/money/work situation to do that."

I'm going to blow your mind right now: It's not about luck. It's about choices I've made to put myself in the position to do those things.

You might disagree, and there are a lot of different beliefs about luck or fate or destiny. Two years ago, I felt very lucky that we were home and not at my high school reunion when a freak accident caused a fire in our house. We were lucky to be there and to be able stop it before it burned down the house. But also, I had made the decision not to go to the reunion. So was it luck? Maybe.

In the situations I'm talking about above, however, these are clear choices we make about the kind of life we want to lead and the kind of work we want to do. I'm not lucky that I love my job. I created this job for myself because I love public speaking. I love doing it, and I love teaching others how to do it. There's nothing lucky about what I do.

Do you find yourself looking at speakers and thinking that they're so lucky because they...

...have "natural" talent
...are confident
...have charisma
...are articulate
...can think on their feet
...always get invited back
...never lose their place
...are "naturally" funny
...love speaking
...and so on?

Think again. Sure, some people have natural charm and charisma, but most of the speakers you see who are successful have worked very hard to get there. They practice, they seek out opportunities wherever they can, they take unpaid gigs, and they do what they have to do to get as much experience and feedback as possible.

They're making choices. They're setting goals. They're meeting people and making connections. They're always learning and never taking success for granted. They're working their butts off.

It's not about luck.

What's your excuse?

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I wrote a blog post a couple of years ago on how to practice your public speaking at work.

Comments included the following excuses (paraphrased):

"I gave a report once and they stole my idea."

"It's really hard to change."

"We can't have humor at our meetings because the meetings are always negative."

"I'll show new people around as long as they're willing to do what's required and not 'pass the buck.'" (Poor new person!)

"I don't have time or availability to volunteer."

"We don't have any meetings where I could speak."

Now, here are some responses with a more positive attitude:

"Just taking one step at a time no matter how little can slowly help your confidence."

"I blush a lot when I speak, but my coworkers are used to it."

"Your ideas sound very scary, but that's why I'm taking this class."

"I can see myself introducing a new person around the office."

"We don't have meetings where I could speak, but I could always join the book club."

"I'm hoping that in practice I will get to be less nervous."

There's a big difference between these two groups. The first group read seven tips and couldn't use any of them. The second group read seven tips and found the ones they were willing to try. They were open to practicing and taking the opportunities around them to improve.

Which one are you? The one who always has a million excuses why you can't do something, or the one who tries to find a way to make it work?

Your public speaking won't improve if you don't speak. That's just a plain fact. It's up to you to find the opportunities wherever they are. It's okay to take baby steps, but you have to take them, regardless of how small they are.

Invictus

If you haven't yet seen the movie "Invictus," I highly recommend it as a spirit-raising, hope-enhancing, darkness-squashing entertainment.

However, even if you don't see the movie, please read the poem from which the movie takes its title. This piece, in itself, shares a powerful message.

Invictus
by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of fate
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years finds
And shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

How I lost it and got it back again -- and how you can, too. Part 3

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In Part 3, I will talk a little more about my experiences with medication, and how things are going now: The rest of the story, if you will. Click for Part 1, Part 2 and Part 4.

Again, please note: I am not a therapist and I cannot guarantee that what worked for me will work for you. I hope you can learn a thing or two from my experiences, and that some of my tips will help you keep anxiety and panic at bay. If your experiences are debilitating, I recommend you talk to both a medical doctor and a therapist to get to the root of the problem.

How about some statistics?

"Panic disorder affects about 6 million American adults and is twice as common in women as men. Panic attacks often begin in late adolescence or early adulthood, but not everyone who experiences panic attacks will develop panic disorder. Many people have just one attack and never have another. The tendency to develop panic attacks appears to be inherited....

Early treatment can often prevent agoraphobia, but people with panic disorder may sometimes go from doctor to doctor for years and visit the emergency room repeatedly before someone correctly diagnoses their condition. This is unfortunate, because panic disorder is one of the most treatable of all the anxiety disorders, responding in most cases to certain kinds of medication or certain kinds of cognitive psychotherapy, which help change thinking patterns that lead to fear and anxiety." From the National Institute of Mental Health

As I mentioned in Part 1, my doctor prescribed me two anti-anxiety medications in January 2009. The one that I could feel working was the Ativan, because it's meant as a quick-acting sedative. For the first two weeks, I took it every day, especially at night to ward off the 3 a.m. adrenaline rushes. However, there is a risk of dependence with Ativan, and it was important to use it only sparingly.

So, I stopped taking it at night and focused its use only on acute situations where my own tools weren't working, and the occasional preventative dose before going into a possible triggering situation. By March, I wasn't taking it at all. In fact, the last time I took one even as a preventative was before taking my first plane ride after the big attack, in May. A few minutes after boarding, I realized I didn't need it.

By April, I was starting to feel like myself again. I had more energy, I was eating better, sleeping better and even starting to put weight back on (darn it). I was still shaky and experiencing side effects from the medication, but was getting back to my old routine. Unfortunately, we had to put down our sick kitty that month, and it was devastating to us after four months of cancer treatment and high hopes of her recovery. It was a big stressor. But at the same time, it was also like a fresh start for me, mentally.

Like clockwork, I decided to start tapering off my main medication, an SSRI, at the six-month mark in July. These medications have powerful side effects at the beginning, and I did not want to go through that again, so I very gradually reduced the dosage a few milligrams at a time.

Here are some of the more pronounced side effects I experienced:

Weight loss
Hyperactivity
Jaw clenching
Coughing and asthma
Nausea
Shakiness
Acid reflux
Nightmares and night sweats
And a few others

I want to make it clear that SSRIs are no fun. Your body gets used to them after a couple of months, but some of those side effects, like the coughing and asthma, lingered the whole time I was on them.

By October, I was finished, and had experienced no side effects through the tapering process.

And believe me, I had plenty of anxiety about going off the medications. "What if I have to go to the hospital again?" "What if I'm really crazy and need to be on meds my whole life?" "What if...?" Here's how I addressed those questions, with the help of my doctor and therapist.

1. Although I was still in the process of developing my tools to help me both prevent and manage panic attacks, I realized that it was unlikely I would get to the point where I would need to go to the emergency room again, with all the work I had done to change my thinking and lifestyle. But I also knew the hospital was there if I needed it, which was actually a comforting thought.

2. The issue of "crazy" was harder to deal with (and I realize this is not a PC word, but these are real fears I had). Do I have a mental illness? Is my brain messed up? What does it all mean?

The truth is, I just don't know the answer to those questions, but I do know that if, in the future, I need to go back on medication, it doesn't make me a bad person, or a weak person, or a failure.

I've put a lot of pressure on myself in my life to be "perfect" and "strong" and "together" and "tough." Now I see where that pressure led me, when I tried to power through difficult times instead of taking the time and space to deal with them. I am who I am. I'm imperfect and I'm human, and that's life.

I'm glad and grateful that I don't need medication to "keep it together" as it stands right now. And maybe I'm lucky, too. But it's not worth worrying about or dwelling on.

I wrote this blog post last February, about setbacks. Here's what I said then:

"Sometimes we overcome a physical or mental challenge only to be faced with setbacks. We believe we've left the problem in the dust only to have it return at a later date, maybe unexpectedly, or maybe triggered by a similar situation that created the first challenge.

I want to let you know that you can overcome it again! You beat it once, and you still have the skills and determination to beat it again.

It's scary to feel like you're not in control of your mind or body. It's scary when the feelings in your body and the thoughts in your mind seems to override all logic.

Don't give up, and don't give in. Get support if you need it. You're strong, you're powerful, and setbacks are only temporary. Keep fighting and you'll see what I mean."

I was writing this to myself as much as I was writing it to you, my readers. I was taking on the challenge of positive thinking and self-care, knowing that I was down and the only way to go was up.

Even as I felt fully myself again and mentally as strong as ever, the process of writing this series started out with a big setback two months ago, when I tried to incorporate some content about my car accident. I had a very intense emotional reaction to what I was writing, and I couldn't even look at it for three weeks, hence my decision to leave that part out of these blog posts!

Sure, there's a possibility I could have panic attacks again. I had a 19-year reprieve, for goodness sake. They came back, and how could I have known that would happen? I certainly can't predict the future.

But I've done everything this past year to concentrate on living the life I want, staying healthy, staying positive, and not letting this experience drag me down into some permanent dark, sad place. I've remained focused on growing my business and helping others grow as speakers and entrepreneurs, which also has kept me from constantly dwelling on my own problems. And I know I'm not the only one who has ever gone through something like this, and that there are much worse problems I could have.

I've had great support from my doctor and therapist, and from my family and friends, with no judgment and no (visible) shock or horror!

I don't ever again want to experience what I went through in 2009. But if I do find myself ramping up to a panic again, I hope that everything I've learned will have prepared me to deal with it and move past it. I'm not fragile, I'm not delicate, I'm not broken.

I hope that, by sharing my story with you, that you will feel inspired to take the necessary steps to start your own process of managing your anxiety and panic. If there's nothing else you do, please talk to someone. Therapy doesn't have to be permanent, but if you don't do something about your anxiety, it will not go away on its own, and may become a permanent part of your life.

Thanks for reading and feel free to share additional tools and resources in the comments!

See Part 4 here, one year later!

Book

Overcoming Panic, Anxiety, & Phobias: New Strategies to Free Yourself from Worry and Fear

Websites

Mayo Clinic Panic Disorder site

Mayo Clinic Cognitive Behavioral Therapy site

Related blog posts

Thought Trap #8: Emotional Reasoning

Avoiding public speaking intensifies your fear

Don't panic, plan it

Being willing to feel good

Setbacks are only temporary

Visualization is for the body as well as the mind

How I lost it and got it back again -- and how you can, too. Part 2

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Thanks for coming back for Part 2! Today I'm going to talk about some of the ways I learned to prevent and manage my panic attacks and anxiety. Click for Parts 1, 3 and 4.

Please note: I am not a therapist and I cannot guarantee that what worked for me will work for you. I hope you can learn a thing or two from my experiences, and that some of my tips will help you keep anxiety and panic at bay. If your experiences are debilitating, I recommend you talk to both a medical doctor and a therapist to get to the root of the problem.

Tools and techniques

During my first round of panic attacks after my car accident in 1990, the therapist at that time focused on helping me reduce anxiety while in the midst of an attack. These tools mostly consisted of breathing, relaxation and visualization techniques, and they were very helpful.

In several situations, such as a transatlantic plane ride, or the time on the Tube in London where the train stopped for a few minutes in the middle of a dark tunnel, I was able to use these techniques to keep myself from completely freaking out in the small, cramped space. Visualization has been especially helpful inside an MRI machine! You can find many resources on the Web for these kinds of exercises. I have a free relaxation and vocal preparation handout here and and an article with additional tips here. At that time, they were very helpful.

This time around, however, those techniques seemed almost worthless. My mind was completely in control of my body, so using techniques that started in the body were not working. I was so sensitive to heat, noise, crowds, small spaces, and pain (mine or anyone else's -- even on a TV show), that triggers were everywhere. Here are some additional tools I learned from my current therapist that went a step further.

Thought stopping

In my case, I needed to go directly to the cause of the panic -- my thoughts. As I mentioned in this post on emotional reasoning, thoughts and feelings can take control, whether or not they are based on reality. Thought stopping is simple, but not easy: Stop thinking that thought!

When I caught myself starting to worry about my sick cat, or feeling hot and oppressed in a restaurant, or wondering if I might get panicky because I felt claustrophobic in the car, or any of a million other worrisome thoughts, I literally told myself to change the subject. If I was with my husband, I would ask him to tell me what was going on at work that day. If I was alone, I would distract myself by consciously noticing the color of the sky or the trees or feeling the breeze on my face.

If I could stop my thought and stay in the present, I could keep it from escalating into the physical sensations of a panic attack. Once the "danger" was past, I could move on.

Planning to plan... or... avoiding avoidance

Sometimes I would become anxious just thinking about future anxiety. An upcoming crowded party, a trip away from home, an extra-busy week... just the thought of the possibility that I might have a panic attack (aka "anticipatory anxiety") made me want to avoid any possible trigger.

However, "The role of avoidance -- a type of security move -- is complex. It is responsible for perpetuating your fear of certain places because the longer you avoid a place, the more likely it is that you will begin to believe that avoidance is what's keeping your fears under control. So the longer you avoid a place, the harder it becomes to go there again.

By avoiding specific places you are attempting to avoid the frightening sensations and thoughts you predict you will experience. By trying to eliminate the sensations of anxiety or panic at all costs, your fear of having these feelings ultimately intensifies." From the book, "Overcoming Panic, Anxiety and Phobias"

Instead of avoiding scary situations, I made plans for how to deal with panic, should it arise. Drinking water calms me, so I made sure I had a bottle of water on hand. Going away for the weekend with friends made me nervous, so I took my own car in case I needed to leave. If I had a lot of commitments in a week, I made sure to plan some quiet downtime. I always told myself there was a plan B. I faced my fears, but in an organized way.

Talking

Keeping my anxiety a secret just made it worse. Of course, I talked to my therapist once a week, but in between those sessions, I still needed an outlet.

I had a small group of my closest friends who knew what was going on. That way, if I started to panic on a car ride or something, I didn't have to explain. Even a tiny moment of panic that passed quickly was worth it to me to share with my husband, so I could acknowledge it and also acknowledge getting past it. And thank goodness he was understanding and listened when I needed it.

Healthy lifestyle

Going a step further, I needed to change the way I was living my life that led me to a state of heightened stress and aggravation in the first place. Why wait until I'm having a panic attack to deal with it, when I might be able to make my life panic-free?

Four simple changes have made all the difference: Eat better. Get more sleep. Exercise. Don't overdo it.

I'm not kidding you. It sounds ridiculously and deceptively simple, but how many of you are paying attention to these things every day?

It's easy to eat an unhealthy diet; it's easy to stay up and keep working; it's easy not to exercise! And, especially in our American business culture, it's really easy to overwork, overschedule, and overcommit. It's even considered a badge of honor to be extremely busy. It makes us feel important and needed.

However, ignoring physical and mental self-care is what destroys our health, not to mention our relationships and our happiness.

For example, when you're tired, it's easy to overload your circuits. When you're tired, it's harder for your mind and body to handle difficult situations.

For example, our bodies need nutritious fuel and water. How can we expect to feel healthy, strong and energetic if we are fueling ourselves with nothing but sugar, fat and caffeine all day? Caffeine and alcohol can exacerbate anxiety all on their own in fact, so cutting back can have a huge benefit in reducing your anxiety.

Now, I get up in the morning when I'm rested, not when the clock tells me to. I make an effort to be conscious of what I'm eating and why. I try to stay hydrated. I work out regularly. And I take downtime and "funtime" whenever I need some. And I don't feel one bit guilty about it! I'm not perfect and I am human, so I fail at some of these some of the time. But my physical and mental health are more important to me than my job or what anyone else thinks of me.

Cultivate a positive outlook on life

When I was going through this rough time, I started seeing people differently. I started realizing that I was interacting with people every day who might be going through their own rough times. Maybe they were sick, maybe they were in pain, maybe they were living in fear, maybe their cat (or mom, or child) had cancer. I realized that, if I could walk around looking "normal," so could other people. I realized that people who seemed like jerks might be feeling the same way I was feeling inside. I wanted to be more open to people, more friendly, more accepting. I wanted to see the good in people and in life.

I admit it, I'm an optimist. I was born that way. But even optimists can sometimes let our experiences jade us and turn our minds dark with worries, anger, fear and negativity, instead of focusing on the good in the world and the abundance of good things in our lives.

Sometimes it's not easy, but I believe it's worth it to let go of the negative, feel the weight lift from my shoulders, and truly enjoy the life I've been given.

If you're a chronically negative person, imagine how your life could be better by letting go of the dark thoughts. What more could you accomplish if you always believed you could? How much more could you enjoy life if you allowed yourself to enjoy life? How much time do you waste on fear, anger, melancholy, worry and drama?

I started a blog halfway through the year last year just for the purpose of focusing on the positive, and on the things that make me happy in life. Maybe it's a little (or a lot) corny, but as part of my healing process and lifestyle rearrangement, it has been like additional therapy.

Recognize warning signs

I had six months or more of warnings in 2008 that I failed to heed. Sure, I knew I was having panic attacks, but I waited way too long to do anything about them.

Now I know that ignoring them will not make them go away, and will likely cause them to build up again to massive proportion. I will never make that mistake again.

In Part 3, I'll talk about getting off the meds, and the rest of the story. Please feel free share your resources and tips in the comments.

End of Part 2.

How I lost it and got it back again -- and how you can, too. Part 1

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A year ago today I lost it. I became so overwhelmed with panic that, after several hours of trying every trick I knew to thwart it (including trying to watch the movie Amélie -- who could have a panic attack in the middle of Amélie?), I told my husband to take me to the emergency room, the only solution I could think of. A few hours later, the drugs had finally kicked in and I was back home.

This wasn't my first panic attack, but it was my worst. I wrote a little bit here about the car accident 19 years ago that triggered my first round of panic attacks. After months of therapy in 1991, I got them under control and thought I had put them behind me.

But in 2008, they came back, and more persistently than the first time. The triggers were unpredictable. I couldn't fathom why I was having them again after so much time. Perhaps the house fire, a car accident, my husband leaving his job to start a business, a back injury and one of our 16-year-old kitties being diagnosed with cancer -- and my lack of tools to deal with the strain and upheaval -- had something to do with it. But at the time, it was all a mystery.

Whatever was going on, I needed to get it under control, as I could see the problem was escalating. I scheduled an appointment with a therapist for December 30. And not a moment too soon... I had to cancel our second appointment when I woke up exhausted, sick and groggy from the January 5 attack.

---

I'm talking about this now because I know a lot of you suffer from various degrees of anxiety. And I should make it clear that my panic attacks are not related to public speaking.

But I want to share this because I know what you're going through, at pretty much any level -- I've been there. And I've spent a lot of time learning about and using tools to combat the anxiety, both when it's happening, and as preventative measures before it strikes. I had a good head start 19 years ago when it happened the first time, but those tools only took me so far. This time around, I've gone much more in depth in an effort to resolve this issue.

To be honest, I was afraid to share this with you, for fear of undermining my own credibility as a coach. After all, if I can't get my own panic attacks under control, who am I to try to help you? But then I realized that that was exactly the reason I should share my story. Because I made it through the toughest year of my life. And I got it back together. And so can you!

---

Back to January 2009... Back at home after the attack, I fell apart. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. My stomach was in knots. I woke up every night with nightmares, and adrenaline rushes that enveloped me in wave after wave of chills up and down my spine. I couldn't bear to leave the house, except for basic errands, doctor appointments and Baby's appointments with the vet, the oncologist and several emergency hospital stays. I lost ten pounds in a month. I was constantly afraid.

One night while my husband was out of town, my neighbor invited me over to watch a movie. I tried to fight the panic with all my might, but couldn't do it. Our homes are only a few feet apart, but I couldn't stay.

After the ER visit and three days of being unable to sleep, eat, leave the house or stop crying, I was prescribed medication. One, a longer-term treatment for anxiety, an SSRI, and the other, a short-term, quick-acting sedative called Ativan. The uptake period for the long-term drug was painful and came with its own raft of side effects, and my doctor asked me to stay on it for a minimum of six months due to the risk of relapse, even after symptoms are gone.

Together with cognitive behavioral therapy, medication is standard treatment for acute panic, and I only ever considered it a temporary solution -- not something I intended to continue for the rest of my life. But really, I had no idea how long I would need this. I agreed to try it for six months. (In the past, I've written about the use of drugs for public speaking anxiety, and I stand by my previous statements; please explore all your options before deciding on medication. You should see a doctor AND a therapist before making the decision to use drugs; it is not a decision to make lightly.)

And so life goes on. I had clients, interviews and speaking engagements I had committed to. I had a blog to write (and thanks again to several guest posters who got me through that first month). I had a cat who needed treatment and constant care. It was brutal; I could barely take care of myself. I was lucky to have the support of my closest friends and my husband. I couldn't imagine going through this on my own.

One day, I walked into the overheated, windowless meeting room at a client's office, and immediately broke out in a panicky, claustrophobic sweat. I excused myself for a second to run to the restroom and I popped an Ativan, hoping it would kick in at the speed of light. It was quick, but not quick enough. I went back to the meeting and squeezed a tissue under the table in my sweaty left palm, discreetly dabbing the perspiration on my upper lip as I powered through the first half of the meeting with the client. And I mean powered. I had to be a machine, and I was. It was a great meeting.

I did have to cancel one speaking engagement that I had coveted for years. Realizing that I would have to get on a plane, deal with travel and crowds and be out of my comfort zone so soon, I knew I wasn't ready. It broke my heart to back out, perhaps never to have this opportunity again. I realized that, if I was going to heal myself mentally and physically, I needed to cut back on work commitments and slow down.

At one point, while I was going through a period of strange hyperactivity but still barely eating, we attended a friend's small poker party. I mentally prepared myself for being around people, I made a point not to drink, and I had a good time. Except that I became overstimulated from all the talking and laughing and lay awake in bed until 6 am the following morning.

When people asked why they hadn't heard from me or seen me in weeks, I said I had the flu, which also conveniently explained the rapid weight loss. Every day, I asked myself, "What the @#$% happened to me?" I had no answer.

In Parts 2 and 3, I'll talk about how I got my life back in order, got off the medications, and how I'm keeping it together now. Part 4 jumps a year into the future!

End of Part 1.

Lessons from Pacino

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Speeches and presentations are not the same thing (see post here explaining the difference). For most of you, presentations are and will be your bread and butter, while scripted speeches might be something you give at the occasional wedding or office going-away party.

For that reason, you won't find me talking about speeches much on this blog, or analyzing them. However, this one caught my attention and I found it to be a good example of a speech given from the heart with passion, while delivering a powerful message and creating a bond between the speaker and listeners.

This speech is given by Al Pacino, playing New York City Mayor John Pappas in the movie "City Hall," speaking at the funeral of a six-year-old African-American boy who was caught in the crossfire in a shootout between police officer and drug dealer.

There is much tension in the community over the shooting and blame has been assigned to the drug dealer, but the drug dealer was only on the street because of a mistaken earlier prison release. While staffers search for the responsible party, the mayor gives this powerful and unexpected speech at the family's church.

(This is a great clip, because the transcript is embedded in the video.)



If you can't see it here, try it on YouTube.

Pappas starts off with a powerful opening: He addresses the the tension immediately. "I was warned not to come here. I was warned. They warned me..."

His handlers believed it would be a mistake, politically, to attend the funeral and especially, to speak. There isn't outright hostility in the room, but the audience is clearly wary and probably expecting clichés and platitudes.

He immediately brings up the slain child. No beating around the bush here. And then he acknowledges his failure as a mayor to create a safe and stable climate for his community. Again, no false humility, no pretend tears, no drama. Just straightforward honesty and taking responsibility. This quickly makes him more accessible to the audience, who are now anticipating his next words.

Note the repetition of words and themes throughout the speech, which gives each subsequent word or phrase more power and reinforces each idea in the audience's minds. (Nick Morgan has a great post on repetition that also explains several rhetorical terms and here's a post by Andrew Dlugan that goes over some rhetorical devices.)

Some examples:

"...making a city livable? Just livable."

"...this city -- your city -- our city -- his city -- is a palace again! Is a palace again!"

"There was a palace that was a city. It was a palace! It was a palace and it can be a palace again! A palace in which there is no king or queen or dukes or earls or princes, but subjects all..."

You might have noticed the rule of three cropping up in this speech quite a bit. Here's a nice piece from Patricia Fripp on the rule of three, but in short, our brains seem to respond to and feel more satisfied with patterns of three, and many speakers use this tool for emphasis.

Some examples of the rule of three:

"I was warned not to come here. I was warned. They warned me..."

"Until we can walk abroad and recreate ourselves, until we can stroll along the streets like boulevards, congregate in parks free from fear...our families mingling, our children laughing, our hearts joined..." (Did you notice? That's a twofer!)

"Is that too much to ask? Are we asking too much for this? Is it beyond our reach?"

"I choose to fight back! I choose to rise, not fall! I choose to live, not die!"

You might also notice some rules of four and five here, too. It's a good idea to break up the repetition, so it doesn't become too... repetitious. There's a nice change in cadence when he adds different patterns before and after the threes.

And some repetition that doesn't come in numbers but in patterns of words and sound (again, I'll let Andrew Dlugan explain the rhetorical devices):

"They warned me, 'Don't stand behind that coffin.' But why should I heed such a warning when a heartbeat is silent and a child lies dead? 'Don't stand behind' this coffin."

"... until that day we have no city. You can label me a failure until that day."

"...rise up with me; rise up on the wings of this slain angel."

"... subjects all -- subjects beholden to each other."

You can see how each repetition, in this example, brings more to the story.

Also pay attention to the analogies and mental imagery that Pappas includes in the speech:

Palace
Angel
Warrior
Hearts joined
Pure and innocent as the driven snow
Sheep being herded to the final slaughterhouse

An analogy takes a concept that might be obscure, complicated or lengthy, and helps the audience see it in the context of their own lives. Analogies are a kind of shorthand to say what you want to say in the fewest words that the most people will understand. We may all have slightly different pictures in our head when someone says "palace," but it generally means a grand, opulent, large, luxurious building that a wealthy head of state lives in. We get it without all of the description.

Pappas also plays into the audience's connection with this young boy. These are his relatives and friends in the community. To them he was a sweet angel and a pure, innocent child. Pappas gets this and uses these soothing and positive words to bond with the group.

Finally, after his speech builds to a fiery crescendo, he brings it back down from the general to the specific. From the larger picture to the moment at hand. He speaks directly to the dead child:

"I am with you, little James.

I am you."

He bends down and kisses the coffin.

These words and this gesture humanize the mayor. "We are all one," he is saying. He is implying, "We are all equally damaged by what has happened, including me."

This repeats the theme of "Subjects all," that was mentioned earlier in the speech, and brings the audience back from the boulevard, the palace, Athens... back to this church and the tiny coffin in the front of the room. The speech has come full circle, a powerful way to remind the audience of why they're there in the first place.

It's a loud, dramatic Pacino speech, no doubt. Whether or not you like Pacino, the speech has a lot to teach us about reaching out to an audience, especially in a time of distress.