The funny thing about the comfort zone

I've probably mentioned the "comfort zone" 20 times on this blog. Because understanding your comfort zone is an important step to becoming a better speaker.

What is the comfort zone, exactly?

It's that place where everything comes easily, there's no stress or anxiety, and you're not challenged, not stretched, not pushed.

So, if the comfort zone is so great (and yeah, it is), why would we want to get out of it?

Most of us don't want to get out of our comfort zones. Because they're comfortable. Hello.

But if you want to get better at anything, be it basketball, singing, playing the drums, speaking a foreign language, riding a unicycle, rock climbing, baking, parenting or public speaking, you can't stay in the comfortable place.

There is always another level past the level where you are now. There is always another level of skill, another level of experience, another level of intuition that comes with first practicing what you know, and then trying new things.

As you stretch yourself into new areas (shooting the ball from farther away, taking on more complicated grammar and tenses, making your own puff pastry...) your new skills, experiences and knowledge will make you better. You will become more well-rounded, more complete, more of an expert.

And you will also become more comfortable.

Because every time you stretch yourself, you eventually get comfortable at the new level! Things that previously seemed difficult and scary are now easy again. And so the cycle continues.

There is always a new comfort zone. Your task is to challenge it and escape it, as many times as it takes to keep learning, growing and improving.

Challenge the status quo... like a ninja!

I came across this status update from Michael Cortes on Facebook, saying, "This CANT be real?" You might not be able to see what he's pointing to in this picture, so I've pasted the text of the wedding announcement below. Take a moment to read it... and be patient. You'll be rewarded.

"Bethany Markle, Robert Kaiser

Bethany Jeanne Markle and Robert Thomas Kaiser exchanged wedding vows Sept. 23 at the Erie Maennerchor. Judge John Trucilla officiated at the 6 p.m. ceremony. A reception followed.

Matron of honor was Stacey Hammer, cousin of the bride; and maid of honor was Alyssa Markle, sister of the bride. Bridesmaids were: Kaitlyn Kaiser, sister of the groom; Lindsay Palmer and Toni Cole, friends of the bride.

Best man was Donny Mallin, friend of the groom. Groomsmen were: Adam Kaiser, brother of the groom; Brandon Markle, brother of the bride; Kevin Brower and Justin Latzo, friends of the groom. Flower girls were: Sophie Dias, cousin of the bride, and Addison Badowski, cousin of the groom. Ring bearer was Jackson Hammer, cousin of the bride.

The bride, daughter of Timothy and Sharon Papotnik of Waterford, is currently attending Edinboro University of Pennsylvania, pursuing a degree in early childhood/special education. The groom, son of James and Lisa Kaiser of Erie, is a ninja."

It's easy to fall into the trap of doing what we think everyone expects us to do, just because that's the way it's always been done. In this case, wedding announcements have a certain format, and we don't mess with that. But Bethany or Robert (or both) thought it would be funny to shake things up a bit, in a very subtle way, and it takes the announcement from being conventional and staid to just over the edge of quirky.

Last year, I realized that I was tired of handing out my boring bio to introducers and organizers. Why should I bore my audiences with where I went to school, what degrees I have, or where my interviews have been published? Big SNOOZE.

So I upgraded my bio to one that feels and sounds more like me. This is what I give to the person who is going to introduce me at a speaking engagement. It loosens up the audience right from the beginning, and lets them know that I'm not stuffy or traditional in my approach. And because almost everything in the bio is actually true (okay, maybe I didn't quote Shakespeare when I was three and have cleaned the bathroom once or twice), it does give a little insight into who I am.

Then they can go read the boring stuff on my website, if they really need to know my work history and official credentials.

How are you challenging the status quo? How are you shaking things up with your audiences?

How to be an inconsiderate speaker

I recently heard a speaker who acknowledged up front that:

1. He had 90 minutes of material for a 30 minute presentation, and

2. He talks fast. His exact words were, "When people complain, I tell them 'listen faster.'"

In my blog post, "Don't waste time talking about time," I discussed the pitfalls of trying to cram too much information into a too-brief time slot. I also pointed out the negative perceptions that can develop when the audience realizes you didn't prepare properly for the amount of time you were given.

But what I didn't discuss, and had never experienced until this presentation, was a speaker who triples his rate of speech in order to get through too much material.

The speaker said he talks fast, and implied that he doesn't care if the audience can't follow him. Apparently only I am to blame for missing half of his presentation because I'm unable to listen fast enough. I'm being absolutely literal about missing half of his presentation. I could follow only a portion of each sentence. Entire paragraphs were lost to me. I think he was making some good points and saying some funny things and had a good overall message, but I could only understand some of what he was saying, so I'm not really sure. People I spoke to after the speech told me that they also found it difficult to follow him.

As someone who gets paid to teach, train and motivate audiences, but also is just a regular audience member like everyone else, I took this speaker's behavior to be quite rude and unprofessional.

A speaker only gets a gig because there is an audience for his topic. A speaker who blatantly disregards his audience's needs (at minimum, the need to understand what's being said), and who has no consideration for the money they've spent and the time they've taken out of their day to listen to him, is one I will not pay to see again or recommend to organizers looking for speakers.

This presenter doesn't understand that listening involves not just hearing, but also processing concepts, organizing and understanding them, and then remembering what was said afterward. Sometimes it also involves taking notes, and when the words have zipped by me like a bullet train, I can't retain enough of them to write anything down. Listening is not a single momentary action; it's a process.

I don't have any power to change this person's behavior. I can't make him be more considerate or care about his audiences. And I certainly have no say over who hires him next. And he will be hired again, because of who he is. I feel especially sorry for his international audiences; if I can barely understand him -- and we speak the same language -- how painful must his presentations be to audiences in other countries?

All I can do is share this experience with you and hope that you will find a lesson for yourself in this post. I'm a fast talker, and I've made a concerted effort over the years to slow down so my audiences don't have to struggle to follow what I'm saying. I do it out of basic respect, courtesy, and appreciation for the gift of time and attention the audience is giving me.

Have you had an experience like this? Have you ever felt a speaker didn't respect the audience?

6 lessons for speakers from social media

In my blog post, "Tweet like you mean it," I equated Twitter with public speaking. Last week, at Montecito Bank & Trust's B2B social media event, several speakers reinforced my belief that many of the same principles of effective use of social media apply to public speaking.

On Twitter, your audience is called "followers;" on Facebook they're called "friends," "fans," or "likes;" and on LinkedIn they're called "connections." But whichever social media platforms you use, you have an audience. And how you interact with your audience is critical if you want to grow relationships and build your business.

First up was keynoter Peter Shankman, PR and social media expert, author, entrepreneur and founder of HARO (Help a Reporter Out). Here are some of his choice tidbits about social media that sound a lot like public speaking advice.

1. Having an audience is a privilege, not a right.

As I've said before, you need your audience as much as they need you. In your social media role, don't abuse the privilege of having a group of ready listeners and readers by bombarding them with spam, commercials, or other kinds of one-way communication that doesn't encourage interaction. In your public speaking role, this equates to lots of selling, self-promotion, or just talking too much about your own credentials and brilliance and not enough about what your audience needs, wants and cares about.

2. Own it when you screw up.

Here he was talking about transparency, and being honest and forthright about your mistakes. He contrasted two politicians caught up in sex scandals and how one came forth and acknowledged that he blew it, resigned and went away with perhaps a shred of dignity still intact. The other denied his participation until the point where there was too much evidence to deny, and went out in disgrace as not only a pervert and a cheater, but also a liar.

Shankman also referred to the poor handling of Ashton Kutcher's recent uninformed tweet about the Penn State scandal and subsequent turning over of all tweeting responsibilities to his management.

In a public speaking situation, can you admit when you're wrong? Can you suck it up and apologize if you mess up? If you say something offensive or insensitive, can you read your audience, understand and acknowledge their displeasure or disappointment, and move on? You will earn the respect of your audience if you do, their disdain if you don't.

3. Bad writing sucks.

How you express yourself in social media is all about expressing yourself in writing. You don't have the luxury of facial expressions and body language to enhance your tweets and status updates, so writing skills are important if you want to come across as a professional, articulate expert in your field.

As a speaker, you have more tools at your disposal, but the skeleton and structure of your presentation are still a result of writing, and bad writing can kill a presentation as much as poor delivery. Shankman's point here was partly that social media users need to learn how to write, but also that "Good writing is brevity... brevity is social media." You will hear the same request from audience after audience (they won't say it out loud, but they're thinking it): Don't waste my time.

After Peter Shankman spoke, there was a panel of social media experts: Lynda Weinman from Lynda.com, Shawn Mulchay from Socialmash Media, and Nicki Gauthier from Web Marketing Therapy and UCSB Extension. The panel also made some excellent points that translate to public speaking.

4. Get out of your comfort zone.

I don't remember which panelist said this, but it's safe to say there was agreement across the board.

As Ronny Cammareri says in "Moonstruck:" "Playing it safe is just about the most dangerous thing a woman like you could do." So maybe playing it safe isn't exactly dangerous, but it's not going to get you anywhere. If you want to stand out from the crowd, get noticed, get followers, fans and clients, you need to take risks.

What kind of risks?

Try something new that you've never done before. Do something that scares you. Incorporate some mild self-deprecating humor into your presentation. Sing a song, bring a silly prop, tell a startling personal story. Give something away for free and don't expect anything in return. Be courageous. Speak from the heart. Push boundaries. Let go of inhibitions. Have fun!

5. Control your voice and your brand.

This comment came from Nicki, and stood out to me as a critical requirement of both social media and public speaking presence. Who are you? Do you know? What differentiates you from the rest of the speakers out there? You can't always control how your followers, fans and audiences perceive you, but you can do a lot to take control of the situation.

Always be very clear about your intentions for using social media and be clear about your intentions as a speaker. Do you have a strong message, personality, style, look, and point of view? And I don't just mean you, in person, in front of an audience; I mean your website, your blog, your Facebook page, your business cards, your voice mail message, your media interviews, your status updates and tweets, and any other representation of you on the Web or in the world. Your public persona should match your web persona should match your personal persona should match your paper persona.

6. Be fun... be human.

This comment came from Shawn, but was echoed by all the presenters in one way or another. Bottom line: Fakers will be revealed. When you're faking it, pretending to be something you're not, lying about who you are and what you represent, you will eventually be found out and you will lose any trust you've built up with your audience.

Don't do or say things to be popular or to get brownie points; do and say them because they are meaningful to you and your audience. Be honest, be authentic, and don't be afraid to show your followers, fans and audiences who you are on the inside. Reach out to build connection, build relationships, and get to know people for real. You will be rewarded not just in numbers of followers, but in a more enriched experience with social media and public speaking, and in true, real-world friendships.

Thanks to Montecito Bank & Trust for putting together a well-spoken and informative panel and a fun evening of networking and learning.

Game changers! Presentations to inspire change... do they succeed?

I apologize for not putting up a blog post this week. We said goodbye to our 18-year-old kitty, the last of a dynasty of cats stretching back to our honeymoon in 1989. I'm working alone now in an empty house all day and it's a little hard to take. Here's the tribute I wrote to our sweet Noonie.

Unable to get a blog post finished this week, I nevertheless did find some entertaining videos of presentations that could use a little work. If you watch The Office, you've seen these. If not, take a look.

The first two presenters get their ideas shot down; they aren't appealing to the boss at all. But look what happens when the boss hears what he wants to hear from Kevin, believing Kevin's cookie idea to be an analogy for a bigger problem in the company. Game changer!

Prepare. And then let go.

You started creating your presentation a month in advance. You revised, practiced, revised some more. Now the day is here, and you still fear that something will go wrong.

Imagine what it's like for the cast of Saturday Night Live! Every week they write, rehearse and deliver an entirely new show. Sketches are written and thrown out. Others make it to rehearsal and still get thrown out. Cast members and guest hosts are still putting the finishing touches on the show right up until the show goes live.

Have you ever seen anyone make a mistake on Saturday Night Live? Of course! Have you ever seen someone's mustache fall off? Have you ever seen a cast member struggling to hold back laughter? Of course! Because nobody's perfect, and the actors are doing their best to deliver a complete show with relatively little rehearsal time. Lorne Michaels, creator and product of SNL, has been quoted saying this:

"We don't go on because we're ready, we go on because it's 11:30."

You can practice your behind off, but eventually you have to go live. Understand and accept the fact that everything won't always go as you planned it, and don't let a couple of stumbles and blunders throw you off. Acknowledge that, no matter how prepared you are, there still might be mistakes and glitches, and allow yourself to find the humor in the situation.

Here's a great example of how someone rolled with a big glitch, in his second presentation ever, at a big-time conference. Watch Pat Flynn's double take below, as he discovers that the font he used in his slides was not compatible with the conference-supplied computer. You can read his blog post about the incident here.



Determine whether there's something you could have done differently to prevent the mistake (in this case, Pat learned a valuable lesson about fonts in slideshows). If you can fix it for next time, do so. If you can't, and it was a fluke that will probably never be repeated, then chalk it up to a weird experience and move on.

Prepare. And then let go.

---

Would you hire this handyman?

Would you hire this handyman?

This is my slightly-too-artful re-creation of a sign on a truck I drove by on Tuesday. I have to say, it was really hard to make my lettering look as bad as his, and it doesn't. In addition to the haphazard application, some letters were peeling off and barely adhering to the car.

Giving the guy the benefit of the doubt, I could assume that he bought the truck from someone else and is not actually a handyman, but has not yet removed the lettering.

Whoever applied these letters, however, surely would not get my vote for attention to detail. If he can't even be bothered to put the letters on his truck straight, how on earth could I expect him to paint or repair anything in my home with any amount of care?

It's like an image consultant who is always in disarray, a professional organizer who's constantly late to appointments, or a teacher who misspells his lessons on the chalkboard.

Think about how you portray yourself as a professional, whether or not you're a regular speaker.

Are your e-mails full of typos? Does your website have a different size font on every page? Are your voice mail messages missing important information -- like your phone number?

Are you not clueing in to how your clients and prospects are dressed, and wearing the wrong clothes to meetings and presentations?

Are your reports or marketing materials hastily put together, sloppy or incomplete? (My recent pet peeve: the billboard or newspaper ad that has a Facebook logo -- indicating the business is on Facebook -- but no Facebook URL. How exactly am I supposed to find them on Facebook?)

All these actions (and more) give people around you a certain impression, an impression that you don't care. And if you don't care about something like sending an e-mail without typos, where first impressions might prompt you to be on your best behavior, why should they expect you to care about other things, bigger and more important things?

Don't be a slacker. Details matter. Show prospective clients and audiences that you care.

Here are a few more posts on impressions and image:

First impressions follow you everywhere

Is your image consistent with your message?

Customers don't always enter through the front door

Repeater or deleter: Which one are you?

One of my clients has a concern about finishing sentences. Specifically, she feels that she gets part of the way through an idea and doesn't know how to finish it, either because she's picked the wrong words or can't think of what to say next. She gets tongue-tied at this point. She's very self-conscious about this behavior.

This reminded me of a section of Michael Erard's book, "Um... Slips, Stumbles and Verbal Blunders, and What They Mean," where he talks about two main group of disfluent speakers: "sentence changers" and the "uh-ers," terms coined by psychologist George Mahl. Sentence changers charge through their sentences, changing, fixing and restarting sentences as needed to get their point across. Sentence changers tend to be more confident speakers and less worried about making mistakes than the Uh-ers, who prefer to more carefully plan and craft their sentences, often using "um" and "uh" while restructuring the sentence in order to avoid making mistakes. Another researcher in the book, Liz Shriberg, calls these two types of disfluent speakers "repeaters" and "deleters."

Erard says, "...Each person consistently blunders in a way that's unique to him or her."

For example, in a study of college students, recordings showed that "...each student tended to say the same number of 'uhs' and 'ums.' If their pause fillers were counted at Time 1 and then again four weeks later, the students would be blundering at roughly the same rate. There were only two other features of their speech that were more stable than this: their swearing and the use of filler words ('well,' 'like,' 'so'). In casual listening we can often hear speakers' distinctive speech patterns when their disfluencies become excessive...."

According to Erard, each of us has our own speech patterns and disfluencies (breaks, blunders, false starts, fillers, repetitions and other interruptions of the flow of speech), but most of them are universal. That is, each of us is not unique in making mistakes, only in our own personal patterns of mistakes.

I suggested to my client that, if she's truly uncomfortable with her style of correcting a sentence (in her case, getting tongue-tied stops the sentence in its tracks), that she consciously commit to finishing the sentence in any way she can. Perhaps she forges ahead, repairing as she goes and letting go of the need to get everything right. Or perhaps she slows down and pauses while she restructures, more carefully crafting her words. But whichever method she prefers, she needs to know that it's perfectly normal to rework sentences while uttering them and that getting stuck in the middle is a universal trait.

I'm pretty sure I'm a sentence changer; I like to plow through my sentences, aiming for flow rather than perfection. But I'll have to watch some video to confirm.


How about you? Are you a sentence changer or uh-er? You may not know unless you record yourself. It's an interesting bit of detective work!

I'm in the Wall Street Journal today!

Check out my mention in the Wall Street Journal today in their Cranky Consumer column!

The journalist had consultations with a couple of public speaking coaches, and also attended a Toastmasters meeting, and wrote about her experiences looking for help with public speaking.

Unfortunately, the editing of the piece left out the fact that I do use Skype upon request and when warranted by the work I'm doing with a particular client. So, yes, I meet with clients in person, by phone and by Skype.

Also, I found it interesting that I was the only coach who offered a free consultation!

How coaching gets me where I want to be

I had a meeting with my fitness trainer last week. We didn't work out; in fact, we had lunch. But I didn't need a workout on that particular day. I needed motivation and a new strategy.

My exercise routine has served many functions, including providing fodder for this blog. It helps me clear my head, it exposes me to beautiful Santa Barbara scenery, it helps me maintain a healthy weight and healthy mind, and it feels fantastic! I love working out.

But... I'm in an exercise and diet crisis, a rut of epic proportions. We moved into our new place almost three months ago, and since that time, my routine has been off. I've only been to the stadium three or four times. I do walk to the post office and Trader Joe's from time to time and it's a few miles round trip, up and down some hills. I know it's helping, but it's not enough. Add to that the fact that, since we moved, I've been on a crazy sugar binge, where I'm snacking like never before, and have gone back to old bad habits like eating at night in front of the TV.

There are probably all kinds of reasons for this lax behavior, but the fact remains: I need to DO something.

So I met with Nicole, who put me at ease and gave me the perspective I had been craving (along with the sugar). She pointed out that the long walks up and down hills were good, and that I should keep doing those twice a week. And that I should make Monday a mandatory exercise day, because it starts off the week on the right foot. And that, if I can get in one session at the stadium and the other two long walks, I'd be good.

As for my dietary challenges, she suggested I work on one thing at a time. Don't try to cut back on dairy, eliminate sugar, and stop eating after 7:00 all at once, or I would surely fail from all the pressure. Pick one.

I walked away from our meeting feeling positive, hopeful, and certain that I could do it. And Nicole helped me realize that I was already doing a lot of things right, but I couldn't see it because I was so down on myself for the things I was doing wrong.

I love having a coach! My fitness trainer has been critical to getting me on track, helping me arrange my lifestyle and make the changes I need to improve my health and fitness.

If you need to move forward, face your challenges and improve as a speaker, a coach can help you, too!

A coach gives outside perspective.

You might have fears and concerns about your abilities as a speaker, but a professional coach can cut through the forest and help you see the trees. You may think your voice quivers, or you use your hands too much, or you make funny faces. Your coach will give you the realistic, unbiased view of your presentation habits and style.

A coach gives guidance and support.

A coach helps you see what you're already doing right, find your strengths and then apply them to the problem. As a speaker, you're doing a lot of things right and you have a lot of strengths; a coach can help you appreciate and apply those strengths to your presentations.

A coach is a partner, not a taskmaster.

A coach works with you, your lifestyle, your personality, your strengths and your goals. A speaking coach should encourage (and sometimes prod) you to leave your comfort zone in order to achieve your goals, but should never make unrealistic demands or expect you to adopt behaviors that are not in sync with who you are as a person.

A coach promotes accountability.

Nicole will check in with me and see what my plan is and how it's coming along, which makes me just that much more likely to follow through on what I said I would do. A big part of my coaching process with clients is also accountability. Did they practice as much as we talked about? Did they do the voice exercises? Did they sign up to present a brown bag lunch talk? Without accountability, it's a lot harder to achieve one's goals.

A coach teaches new skills.

If I need to shake up my workout, Nicole has plenty of new moves for me, based on what I want to achieve and what fits my lifestyle and workout habits. My coaching clients also frequently need to learn new skills in order to shake up their presentations. Depending on their needs, I've got plenty of new moves for them.

A coach inspires and motivates.

A coach should be someone who makes you feel good about your progress, whether it's in baby steps or in huge leaps. A coach doesn't berate, belittle or treat you like a child. We're grownups, and we are ultimately responsible for our own learning and growth. How much you choose to do to move forward is up to you, but your coach should make you feel positive and excited about doing the necessary work.

This is why having a fitness coach is important to me, and why my clients hire me as their public speaking coach. What kinds of coaches are helping you stay motivated and accountable?

More motivational blog posts based on my workouts:

You thought you could never do it

Should you trust your inner quitter?

I do and I understand

I do and I understand, Part 2